I'll never say his name to the public…but I will tell you this I'm so fucking tired of SNEAKING around. It no secret I Love this man. My mom loves him and that means so much to me. See the problem with this guy is that he just doesn't know how to make choices he always rides the fence. He rides the fence scared of true commitment.

See for a long time I was cool with our agreement….

"See I Know We Not Official (No)
But Us Being Official Ain't Never Been An Issue (No)
It Came Down To Us
Boy Remember We Were Different
We Said That We'd Talk
If We Ever Had Problems About Anything
I Was Cool With No Commitment (Wait)
Let Me Take That Back
It Was You, So I Was With It (See)
Guess I Didn't Get
When You Showed You Didn't Miss It
Not It Seems That Your Interest Ain't Here
And We Ain't The Same"

It really didn't affect me plus at this point I just expected it to be the last hurrah. We have been through so much together and I just thought I needed a friend. But one month turned in eight then the New Year came and it turned into ten months. See I don't think yall understand every time we tell each other we won't go there, we see each other then we smell each other and next we taste each other, indulging in the sweetness of each others touch, we forget the outside world exists. Hoping and wishing the time together doesn't have to end. But then the lights come on and she is still there. I run. I run because I feel like shit and I don't understand the choices that I have made. I run because I know that I am wrong.

We had a conversation recently. I told him I couldn't do it anymore. I explained that I have two choices…

1. fight for this man tooth and nail until he either begins to resent me or comes back unhappy OR
2. just honestly totally let him go. No contact at all that way there is no hard feelings.

I choose number 2. He choose to send me some small talk text message 3 days later. At the end of the conversation which happened to be very awkward; He says "I missed you" Whoa there it is but does she know yet?

There's no way she does. So here we are again with those three simple words he stuck his foot in the door of my heart and stopped it from completely closing. And like a sucker I didn't slam it on his foot.

I often tell him that there must be an attraction on some chemical level, because common sense tells me to leave him alone. So what do you do when your heart tells you one thing and your mind tells you another….Well I cry I feel  torn and I seek answers

As time goes on and I get older I realize more and more that reality is not the fairy tale that mom once painted. I haven’t noticed all these things at once but this is what I have noticed in the last 23 years of my life. As my birthday comes I take an inventory……

I realize that even though you think you have found your Prince Charming it doesn’t mean that you will be with them. He will never ride up on a horse and sweep you off your feet and save the day. Instead he will be an ordinary man. Who’s attempts to make all the right choices and instead makes mistakes along the way. It may hurt, you may cry and it may take your longer than the relationship lasted to truly break up. You long for that person, you long for that friendship, but you tell yourself that you hate them so you won’t long anymore. And then in a blink of an eye when you see that person from across the room, or smell their natural scent all the hurt and the pain disappears.  He knows he has the ability to do these things too you because when he sees your smile or smells your scent his knees get weak. He loses his footing and once again you guys have taken it too far. You both try to break it up slow it down but it’s too late the emptiness hits again. Mom never told me that love could hurt like this….

When things at work go wrong they may stress you out beyond belief. Paying the bills is hard…even harder when all you really want to do is quit. You put your game face on. You approach the day as if nothing has changed and you love your job but as soon as you push those doors open and punch the clock you realize how unhappy you are to be there. How much the job is not like what they described in the interview, but you tell yourself to suck it up and that this is only a pit stop on your road to success. Mom never told me what it felt like to loathe your job……

Buried under the things that I feel like my mom never told me there are some things she insisted I remember

1.      Cherish your friends sometimes they are better than family

2.      Sometimes you just have to laugh things off and try to smile

3.      Do your best at what you do and gain satisfaction from that

4.      Don’t look down upon people you never know who you might need to help you up

I have decided that I very confused in life...and heres why....

1. I say I do not want a boyfriend cuz I'm moving to vegas in less than a year, but when my friends get one I make faces . I have decided that maybe I just need a guy to go have fun with who doesn't expect a gift at the end of the night...

2.And speaking of boyfriends why is it that the smartest girl gets dumb when she gets a new one

3.I have decided that I still love my ex. (if you a true friend you already know that!) He must be the scum of the earth in a extra hot body! I wish he would stop invading my freaken DREAMS. Hey maybe thats why there isn't a new one yet.....

4. I really wish my best friend would just come out already and stop beating around the bush...shes supposed to tell me everything. And I'd be happier if she just stopped lying

5.Why is it that men thing they do no wrong? (thought I could throw a little Desinty's Child in there)

6. Knocked Up was the movie I watched before bed....Why did I have scary preggo dreams.....

7. Why do I hate my job because they won't write me a letter of recommendation for Grad School and they are effecting my future education not just my future credit score because I am under paid

8. Why is it that my neighbors insist on listening to counrty music loud as heck but as soom as somebody plays a little R&B they call the cops?

9.Why is it that my birthday is less than a month away and I have no idea of what I am going to do...except for happy hour on Thursday Nov 15.

10. Why is it that I am sooooo freaken busy that I never get to see my friends and they prob think that I am such a loser because I never return phone calls/ emails. But I really just want to explain that I have 5 classes an internship an a full time job so as soon as I see the bed I pass out!

Can you answer any of these things?

Currently Listening Once Again By John Legend AGAIN see related

Ok so I have been gone for a few and not really writing. Life has been so busy for me and I'm just trying to make it.I have turned down a great job found a way to pay for school and begun to live again.

After a six year off and on relationship I am free. He can no longer call me and expect me to be on the other end and that has taken so much burden off of my soul. Most of my pain was eased when I begun to get more involved in my church life everything after that was a breeze. As this is my GRADUATION YEAR (Dec 07) I have decided to focus on school and not my social life.Me and Mr. Fourth Grade talk from time to time but I have also nipped that piece of whatever in the bud. His bad habits far out weigh the positive ones and they have gotten tired with me.

So there was this guy I was seeing when I was still involved with the Ex....Lets call him Mr. ummmmm ( man StarSparklet01 is better at this then me) Mr.Has it all BUT... for short Mr BUT. He has got the body of a football player, college graduate, involved in the church, good job,personal style,just a little touch of thug and he knows how to treat a woman. Here's the deal. When we first met he knew all about the Ex he was cool with it because he didn't want a relationship either, He was also in an in-between stage with his ex. We began to spend time together and the further he got away from his ex the more he needed me. I just wasn't ready to be done with the Ex so we stopped talking. So now that the Ex is out of the picture Mr. BUT has waited 2 months but jumped back in the ring. I guess I should tell you why he is Mr. BUT. He has everything  but he also thinks a woman should be submissive (that which I will only be to my husband) and he has a temper. Not a violent temper but he is quick to jump an attitude and it is never directed at me he just gets it. Spending time with him is great. He opens doors, pulls out chairs, all the classics. We are both at the point where we don't want a relationship (I have too much going on right now for a man and vise versa) and we enjoy spending time together so we have decided to let it be what it will be. I know for a fact that one of my friends will have a major objection to my seeing him though. Hey there's the question of the day...What do you do when your friend and your man don't get along?

Well I gotta run now. I expect someone the write and let me know!

I can't beileve what just happened! I totally crossed the line...Does my 3 strike rule still count...Man I donno. Help me...shit save me from myself...more to come later

EDIT:

I have been spending my newly single life doing me...for once in my life I am being selfish and thinking of me first. It felt good, It felt damn good. Spending weekends with the DIVAS going camping, just regular old fun.

Well I ran into this guy lets call him Mr. 4th grade and he was the primary pawn in the lets get TJ out my system game. Well I have this 3 time rule we can go out as many times as we want but once I start noticing the cakin coming on too strong or crossing the lineit drops to three times your out.Okay so I have commentment issues...I'm still hurting and I would just perfer to keep my distance, plus I'm not ready for a relationshipyet.

So last night was it. Mr 4 Grade and I's 3 time caking and the strange thing is  that last nite we caked all night long.  I have been saying that I needed a caking partner and here I got one but it was not right. When I woke, and we where still hugged up it still didn't feel right, I felt guilty. Maybe I wasnt ready for a caking partner afterall. But here we are at my crossroads. My 3 time rule and now I feel shallow...Why was three my limit....What do I do next? This guy knew about my 3 time rule maybe he will make the decision so I won't have to.....

p.s. I made so changes on stalker ass facebook...what's the truth and whats a lie please do not be alarmed